Addiction
by cestlavie0919
Summary: After the events of Lunar Ellipse, Stiles gets hooked on a drug called "Rocket." As he descends further and further into his addiction, there's only one person who can truly pull him back from the edge. Slow-build to Sterek. M for future lemons and drug use/references.
1. This is Gonna Hurt

Chapter titled after the song "This is Gonna Hurt" by Sixx A.M.

* * *

"Do you have the stuff or not?" I demanded.

The dealer's dark features smiled. "Of course!" he pulled out several tiny baggies of a coarse glittering purple dust, shaking them. I went to reach for them, but he snatched them back. "Payment first… you know how this works!"

"How much?" I asked.

"Eighty," he replied.

"Are you insane?" I demanded. "That's almost double what I paid last time!"

"Do you want the drugs? I've got plenty of other buyers!" the dealer snarled.

I reached into my wallet, pulling out the cash and handed it to him. "Fine."

He dropped the baggies into my hand and I quickly shoved them in my pocket. "As always, it's a pleasure doing business with you."

I headed back to the jeep. I could feel that empty ache beginning to form in my chest. I'd tried everything I could to make it go away. Pot, ecstasy, cocaine, heroin… you name it. None of it worked the way Rocket did. My phone vibrated, signaling that I had a text. It was Scott, wanting to hang out. Again. I ignored it like I always did.

As I sat at the light, I watched a Camaro drive by. Instantly the ache became a burning agony. He didn't even say goodbye. He just left. After everything… he left. I didn't know if he'd even come back, and Peter wasn't helpful on that matter. I needed someone, but Scott was too busy being Alpha to even notice what was going on with me. I was alone.

Dad was at work when I got home, which was fine with me. I sat at my desk, dumping the contents of one of the baggies onto it, arranging it into a thin line. Leaning my head down, I began to snort it. After several moments, the feeling hit me. I reclined in my chair as the pain in my chest subsided. For a little while longer, thinking of Derek didn't hurt.

I crawled into my bed, experiencing the delicious high this drug never ceased to give. Colors swirled in my vision as the sensations of floating swept me up.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but the itchy burning sensations of withdrawal were beginning to creep over me, followed by the combination of physical and emotional pain that always followed. I groaned as I pulled the covers off, needing to use again. The effects were lasting shorter periods of time, but were becoming more intense.

I dumped half a baggy onto the desk and inhaled it. It was just enough to take the edge off existing without sending me into a full-blown high.

There were three more bags left, but I knew those might only last two days if I really stretched them. I had no more money and I was now facing a rather large problem, but I decided to put it off until later. I had to get to school.

Walking through the hallways was torturous. Lydia and Aiden were busy making out. Scott was nowhere to be seen. Isaac and Allison were flirting. It was like we hadn't just defeated an evil druid bitch bent on killing everyone. I wanted nothing more than to punch people who acted like we hadn't all almost died.

Sitting alone at lunch became unbearable. I escaped to my jeep to finish off the rest of that baggie of Rocket. I couldn't force myself to go back into that building. For many people, school was a haven where they could learn and grow. For me, it seemed more like a prison, forcing me to remember every painful detail from the last few months.

I cranked the jeep's engine into life and drove off, not even paying attention. I ran several stop signs and before I knew it, I was sitting in front of the ruins of the Hale mansion. I unbuckled my seat belt and got out. Even Rocket couldn't overcome the pain of seeing this house. The last time I had been here was when Derek tattooed Scott. The Alpha Pack triskele was still painted on the front door, and the marks where Scott had scratched away the cover paint. My fingers traced the grooves in the wood where Scott's claws had marred the door. Rage built up in me and I began to beat my fists against the door. Tears streamed down my face as I screamed out my frustrations. Again and again my fists pounded against the wood until splinters were so deep into my skin that the pain forced me to stop. My bloody knuckles were sensitive to movement.

I curled up against the door, desperate for the pain to end.

When dusk finally fell over me, I knew I had to get back home. I began to itch.

* * *

The music made my head pound. I needed more Rocket. After several texts, the dealer told me to meet him at Jungle, the club where Scott and I had once tracked the Kanima. Shirtless, sweaty men danced in close proximity as I searched for the dealer. I sent him another text, asking him where he was. He told me to meet him in the back rooms.

I pushed my way through the crowd, desperate to get my hands on the drug. The bag room was dimly lit, a few black lights were all that allowed me to see. Men were engaged in all manners of coitus and gross sounds drowned out the bad music.

"Stiles… my best customer!" the dealer grinned as I approached.

"I need more," I told him, doing my best to hide the desperation in my voice.

He pulled out a baggy. "Sixty."

"For one bag? I paid eighty for four of them the other day!" I complained. I had exhausted nearly all my money in Rocket. "I can't afford that." I scratched my arm, wincing as the pain of withdrawal began to hit me.

He studied me for several moments. "There may be an arrangement we can make."

"Anything," I gasped. "Please… I need it."

He pressed down roughly on my shoulders, forcing me to my knees. My heart raced as he unzipped his jeans, pulling out his dick. "If I feel any teeth, you get nothing."

"I've never done this before," I admitted, looking up at him with fear in my eyes.

"If you want more Rocket, you better learn quickly," he said, prying my jaw open with his hands and forcing himself into my mouth. I always imagined my first time doing this to someone would be with Derek. I had a fantasy about how it might go. I imagined we would be in his loft, alone for once. I'd let my lips graze his for the first time and our bodies would come together for the first time since I was paralyzed on top of him. I'd kiss down his chest until I got to his manhood. I imagined that he'd be gentle… he'd guide me and make sure that I was alright and comfortable as I pleasured him. It would be nothing like this rough and brutal use of my mouth. I struggled not to throw up as he forced himself into the back of my throat. "Breathe through your nose… I don't want you throwing up on my dick!"

I had no choice but to obey as he placed his hands on the back of my head, holding me in place as he pumped into my mouth. His pace picked up and he pulled out of my mouth. I gasped for breath as he shot his load onto my face. It felt hot and slimy. I'd touched my own semen before, but there was something disgusting about a drug dealer blowing a wad on my face. I didn't appreciate it, but he gave me two packets of Rocket so I kept quiet.

"That wasn't half bad… a little more practice and it might be decent cock sucker," he chuckled. I winced at that term. "I'll see you when you run out…"


	2. Broken

Chapter titled after the song "Broken" by Depeche Mode

* * *

I made that Rocket last for two days before I finally had to text the dealer. I felt disgusting. Though I washed my face repeatedly, I still felt like I smelled his semen on me. I knew that what I was doing was stupid, but the empty aching pain of Derek and burning itch of withdrawal combined with my sincere lack of funds forced me to make a decision I knew was stupid.

I drove to the address he texted me. It looked incredibly sketchy. I wanted to turn and run, but I _needed_ more Rocket. I quietly entered the run-down house. The dealer was reclined on a ratty-looking couch. "You ready?"

"Look… If I'm going to be sucking your dick, I at least deserve to know your name," I said, trying to find a way to allow myself to not feel like a complete whore.

"Maurice," he replied.

I stifled my laughter. "Maurice?"

"If you want more of that drug, I'd be careful," he warned. He unzipped his pants and pulled them down, exposing himself. "Let's cut a deal. You get one packet of Rocket for every time you can make me come."

"Please no…" I groaned.

"Or… you can give me the whole pot and I'll give you a week's supply," he added.

My stomach turned. There was only one person I would ever let do that to me and he had skipped town. "No… I won't let you fuck me."

Maurice shrugged. "Then get on your knees. You'll be very busy tonight."

I left that night with four packets of Rocket and barely a shred of my dignity.

* * *

The knock on my door woke me up. "Stiles! Are you in there?" It was Scott's voice.

"Go away!" I groaned. The light felt too bright.

"No!" he shouted. "Nobody has seen you in days. You won't return my calls… what's going on?"

"NOTHING!" I bellowed. "Leave me the fuck alone!"

I heard his fist beat against the door. "You once saved my life… you said we were brothers… This isn't what brothers do! They don't lock each other out of their lives. I want to help you."

"I don't need your fucking help!" I replied. "Now go away and let me sleep!"

I rolled over, burying my face in my pillow. I could feel the burn beginning to creep back onto me, accompanied by the ache in my chest. I needed more. I'd already gone through the four packs and earned six more, but those were gone too. I forced myself out of bed. Scott was gone already. I climbed into the jeep and drove the increasingly familiar drive to Maurice's dump.

I refused to even look in the mirror. The gaunt face that looked back seemed like a stranger.

"You again?" Maurice chuckled as I walked in.

"Just pull down your pants," I said.

"Actually… I'm getting bored with blowjobs. I want you to pull down _your_ pants," he replied.

"I've told you… I'm not going to do that with you," I stammered. Nearly instantly, he was pressing me against the wall.

"If you want Rocket, you're going to have to," he said, flipping me around so that I was now pressed face-first against the rough wood paneling. His hand reached down into my boxers. "I've been patient enough with you."

"Please… I'll do anything else you want… just don't do that," I begged.

"Are you a virgin?" he asked. I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Were you saving it for someone special?"

"Please," I sobbed. "Let me go…" I retreated to my fantasy for how I imagined my first time doing this would be. Derek and I would be on his bed. The lights would be dim. We would kiss each other tenderly and I figured I might giggle as his scruff tickled my neck. He'd slowly loosen me up with his fingers. I imagined that it would be beautiful.

A finger brushed against my hole. I clenched, trying not to let any part of him enter me. He dangled a dose of Rocket in front of my face. My mouth went dry and the burn beneath my skin became more intense. The tip of his finger breeched me and I once more screamed for me to let me go.

The door burst open. "He said to let him go!" a familiar angry voice growled.

"Who the fuck are you?" Maurice demanded, his finger still inside me.

"If you don't let him go, I'll be the person who ripped your throat out," he growled. His eyes glowed bright red.

"What the fuck?" Maurice whispered as the figure lunged. I didn't trust what I saw. There was no way. He wasn't even an Alpha anymore.

He moved in a blur, knocking Maurice off of me. The bag of Rocket fell beside me as Maurice went flying in the opposite direction. I scrambled for the baggie, holding it to my nose, desperate to get any amount of it in my system. "Drop it, Stiles," Derek snarled.

It really was him… "What is it to you?" I asked. "You didn't even bother to say goodbye."

"I didn't have time. I'm sorry," he said. "Now drop the bag."

"Fuck you, Derek!" I snapped, finally looking up at his face. The sight of him tore the scars I imagined were deep in my chest into fresh, ugly, gaping wounds. "You're the reason I'm here in the first place… You don't get come in here and just boss me around. Not after your psychotic bitch of a girlfriend… No. You just don't get to do that."

"Stiles, please…" he begged, leaning down. "Either come with me willingly, or I'll knock you out and take you to the hospital… your dad and Scott's mom can sort it out from there."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me," he growled, pulling me to my feet, his face inches from mine. "Drop the bag."

I stared at the shimmering purple dust, shaking with need of it. "Derek… I need this stuff."

"No," he replied. "You don't. What you need is help."

"And who's gonna give it to me? Nobody has helped me this entire time!"

The force of his grip was undoubtedly going to leave bruises on my skin. He pulled the bag from my hand, shaking it in front of my face. "This isn't the Stiles I know…"

"A lot can change in the course of a few months," I snapped back, trying to snatch it from him, but he pulled it back out of reach. His eyes narrowed as he watched me trying to climb over him to get it. I stopped only to scratch at my skin which felt like it was on fire. "Derek please… just give me the bag…"

"No," he said adamantly. "You're coming back to my place. I'll watch over you while this stuff works its way out of your system."

"Like hell I am!" I growled, instead wriggling out of his grip and making my way to the door. I needed to find another dealer who dealt Rocket.

"Do you really want to do this? I thought we might have moved past me having to threaten maim you in some way…" he said.

I stopped in my tracks, still staring at the door. I could feel his gaze piercing through me, but I couldn't turn back and look at him. "What's it going to take to get you to leave me alone, Derek? You walked out pretty easily before…" I hoped that my fury masked the hurt in my voice.

"Trust me… I had a reason. But right now… I'm here. And I want to help you. You're my friend, Stiles… one of the few that I have and I can't watch you do this to yourself," he replied softly.

"How do I know you're not just going to leave again?" I demanded.

I heard him approach and felt his hand gently, but powerfully squeeze my shoulder. "I won't leave you. Not again." I nodded and he turned me around, pulling me into a hug. "Can I trust you to drive to my loft or do I need to bring you there myself?"

"I'll follow you," I ceded. My chest still ached from him, but his desire to help seemed genuine, so I agreed.

Once in his loft, I saw that he hadn't even unpacked… he possibly hadn't even returned to the loft yet… but Peter had made himself right at home in Derek's absence.

"Derek! You're back!" he exclaimed, making no attempt to hide his surprise. I wasn't sure if it was the lack of drugs in my system, but I suspected I heard a bit of disappointment in his voice as well. "And… you're… an Alpha?"

Derek's eyes flashed red. "Stiles will be staying here for a while."

"Is the Sheriff's house not comfortable enough?" Peter asked. Derek merely growled, instead, pulling his blanket down and motioning for me to crawl into his bed. I'd fantasized many times about Derek inviting me to his bed… never did those fantasies go this way.

"Peter… can you stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks?" Derek asked.

Rolling his eyes, Peter scoffed. "If I must… I could stay in a hotel."

"That would be great," Derek said curtly. "Grab what you need. Call before coming back for anything else."

As he ascended the stairs, he was grinning. "It's about time you two fucked…"

"It isn't like that," Derek snapped. "Stiles just needs some support."

I considered joking that we needn't rule anything out just yet, but a wave of pain tore through my body, causing me to curl into a ball. It was everything I could do not to scream out in pure agony.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"It hurts…" I groaned. "Like I'm roasting from the inside."

He placed a hand on my forehead. "You're burning up. I'm going to grab some supplies. I'll be right back."

He disappeared. Peter came downstairs with a duffel bag. "Enjoy your time in the Hale Infirmary."

Another wave of torture ripped through me, causing me to contort my body in an effort to ease the strain in my muscles. I screamed out. "Peter please… can you do that thing werewolves do?"

"Sorry," he smirked. "I need to leave."

He was already gone when Derek returned with a large glass of water and some wet rags. He folded one and laid it gently on my forehead. It was icy cold and it felt amazing. "Here… drink some of this," he said. He held the cup to my lips and poured some of the frigid water into my parched mouth, careful not to overwhelm me.

"Thank you," I breathed as he took the glass away. "Is there something you can give me for the pain? A Tylenol, even?"

He shook his head. "I have no way of knowing how it might react to that stuff. But here…" His rough hand grabbed mine. I saw him tense as the veins in his arm ran black momentarily. The pain abated. "It's only temporary… but I'll do it as you need."

I watched him as he sat next to me. He watched me with the same look of worry he had when Cora was sick…. Cora… "Where's your sister?" I asked after what seemed like an eternity of silence had passed between us.

"She wanted to make her own way. She promised she'd visit every now and then," he replied. "My turn… Why did you start using?"

"Cut straight to the point, don't you, Sourwolf…" I sighed. I considered lying. My heart was racing already. I doubted he'd ever even know. But then as I looked and saw the earnest concern on his face, I couldn't betray his deeds with dishonesty. "I was lonely… in pain… Nothing else seemed to help. I tried everything. Then I discovered Rocket and suddenly, living didn't hurt."

"You've changed, Stiles…" he said. There was a sadness in his eyes when he said it… a sadness that I didn't understand. He'd never seemed sad about me before.

"After what we went through… how could I not?" I asked him. "Deaton told us there'd be a darkness. I never expected it to be like this, though. And I wanted to come to you… but you were already gone."

"Why me?" he asked. "You've always been so close to Scott…"

"He has his own shit to deal with," I replied dismissively. "And I've always felt like you can handle anything… the fact that you didn't off yourself after everything you just went through… And I know it's not fair of me to expect you to help me like that. But… I don't know."

He smiled. "You've saved my life so many times now… I owe you at least the courtesy of helping you through something like this. Promise me you won't hesitate to ask me for help in the future."

I nodded. "I promise." The pain resurged with a vengeance. I screamed out. It felt like the fire was burning through me.

Immediately, assured me that I was alright and siphoned some of the pain off. My heart was racing. "I've got you…" Sweat poured from my body.

"It's getting worse," I complained as my muscles gave painful spasms, causing my body to tense up again.

"Unfortunately, it's only going to get worse before it gets better," he replied. "But I'll be here for as long as it takes."

The wave of pain subsided. It took a bit for me to catch my breath and be able to think again. "What if I can't beat this?" I asked.

"That's not an option," he replied, his intense glare was accompanied by an intimidating flash of Alpha red. "You'll get through this. It's my turn to save you."

* * *

**A/N: **I hope you liked the first two chapters! This story is going to be a slow build to full-blown Sterek, but there will be lemons in the future. Also lots of angst. If you have any questions about the timeline of this story, feel free to ask, but make sure you've got messaging enabled so I can respond! You can also contact me via tumblr where my url is "forevermyalpha"


	3. Fix You

This chapter is named after the song "Fix You" by Coldplay

* * *

That night was a long one. In the little bit of time I wasn't writhing in pain, I managed to get twenty minutes of sleep here and there. Derek slept in the chair beside the bed, which was soaked in my sweat. The burn was fading, though I still craved Rocket with every cell in my body.

I reached for the glass of water, bringing it to my parched lips. Derek woke with a start. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Nodding, I allowed the water to sit in my mouth for a few seconds before swallowing it down. "There's still some pain… but it's not bad. The most maddening thing is the craving I have for the drug…"

"You'll probably have the cravings for a while. But let's get some food in you. You look like you haven't eaten in days," he replied.

"Come to think of it… I'm starving," I said.

He disappeared for a moment and returned with a clean towel. "I've got the water running. Why don't you shower… I'll try to find some clothes that might fit you and we'll go get something."

I took the towel and followed him to the bathroom where the shower was already making the air steamy and warm. He walked out, shutting the door behind him, a bit to my disappointment. I wondered if he had any idea how I felt about him. As I stepped under the water, I could feel the tension in my joints melt away. There was not a problem in the world that a nice warm shower couldn't at least make somewhat better.

When I had rinsed the last of the soap from my body, I turned off the water and began rubbing myself dry with the towel before wrapping it around my waist and exiting the shower. I paused for a moment as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked like a corpse. My cheek bones protruded much more prominently than usual, my face had a hollowness to it, as did my eyes which were sunken in, with large dark bags under them. My skin was also a bit paler than it normally was, adding to my skeletal appearance. I didn't realize the effect the drug truly had on me.

I walked out of the bathroom to find Derek setting out an outfit. I dropped the towel and began to pull on the clothes. Immediately, Derek closed his eyes and turned around. "WOAH!" he exclaimed. "That was way more of you than I ever wanted to see…"

I would have let Maurice do whatever depraved thing he wanted to do to my body for enough Rocket to numb the pain of hearing him say that. "You can look if you want…" I encouraged. "I play lacrosse. I'm used to being around guys naked."

Derek kept his back to me, his hand firmly over his eyes. "I don't really care to see you naked, Stiles… just tell me if they fit alright." I blinked away tears.

The clothes were loose on me, but they'd do. When I was fully clothed, I told him it was safe to turn around. His eyes traversed me several times and he chuckled. "You're so small…" I struggled to discreetly wipe the tears away from my eyes, but he caught me. "What's wrong?"

"Just the pain," I responded. It wasn't a lie.

* * *

The restaurant he brought me to was rather nice. I felt out of place among the other diners with Derek's clothes hanging baggily off my thin frame. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I asked the question that seemed most obvious: "How did you find me?"

"You were the first person I went looking for… and you have a particularly traceable scent," he replied.

"But why me?" I asked. "I'm not anything special. I mean, surely you and Scott would have more to catch up on than we would… you're both Alphas now."

"I told you before… you're one of the few friends I have. And I had a strange feeling that you were in trouble," he said. "I really can't explain it."

"If you hadn't shown up when you did, he would have raped me," I admitted, my voice trembling. "Thank you for saving me."

"I get the feeling he took license with you before that, though," Derek replied, eyeing me. I couldn't force myself to meet his gaze. I was truly ashamed of what I'd done to get my hands on Rocket. "How long have you been trading sex for drugs?"

"It was just blowjobs," I said dismissively, not wanting to face the ugly reality of what I'd done.

"It's statutory rape, soliciting sex from a minor… I could go on…. And he should go to prison for what he did," Derek pointed out. "We need to talk to the police. And you need to go get tested for STIs."

"No!" I blurted, more loudly than I had intended. When nearby busybodies returned to their own conversations, I lowered my head and my voice. "I'll get tested… but no cops. Did you forget that my dad's the sheriff?"

"How many other people are going to be victimized by him?" Derek asked.

"That's not my problem, Derek," I said coldly. "Judge me if you must… but there's a lot at stake if I report that."

He sighed. Thankfully, the waiter brought out our food. It was all I could do not to scarf it all down. When we were done eating and walking back to his car, I asked, "So what did you mean when you said that I have a 'particularly traceable scent'?"

He flushed red and made a giggle that seemed at odds with his personality. "Do you really want to know?"

"I didn't ask for my health…"

Derek paused, trying to search for the right way to word it. "You always smell like a strange combination of old spice, semen, and B.O."

I instinctively tried to smell myself, now incredibly embarrassed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured you knew already… or at the very least, that Scott might have told you!"

"No!" I cried. "I had no idea!"

He smiled, draping his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in for a brotherly hug. "It's alright… if it weren't for that, I'd never have found you."

For some reason, I wasn't reassured by that.

* * *

After several days, the pain was virtually gone with the exception of some residual aches that could be controlled with ibuprofen. I still had intense cravings for the drug and Derek suspected that I probably would deal with those cravings for the rest of my life.

Derek and I sat on his bed, playing Gears of War. "Can you stay alive for like two minutes?" I asked. "I'm getting really tired of saving your ass, Sourwolf!"

"It's not my fault!" Derek shot back. "I'm trying! But… these controllers…"

"The weak excuse of many a failed gamer!" I challenged, rushing over to tag him and bring him back to life.

"Whatever!" he replied defensively. It made me laugh. When we finally managed to finish that level, we saved the game, both of us yawning. As Derek went to move off the bed, I stopped him.

"It's not really fair that you sleep in the chair and I sleep on the bed… it's _your_ loft, after all…" I pointed out.

"I'm not going to make you sleep in the chair, Stiles… it's bad manners," he replied. "You're my guest while you recover."

"I know that… it's just not fair for you to be uncomfortable…" I continued.

"Then where do you expect me to sleep?" he asked, laughing. "On the floor?"

"No! In the bed, dingus!" I replied, hitting him playfully. "There's plenty of room for both of us… You've seen… I don't really move when I sleep."

"No… but you drool and you talk."

"Yeah… but not much."

"Stiles… there's barely a difference in the conversational level when you're awake versus when you're asleep," Derek said. "My point being: you never shut up."

"You've managed fine so far. Come on…"

He seemed to consider it before saying, "My back _has_ been killing me… sure… why not?"

I moved over, giving him plenty of room. The bed was large enough to accommodate us both, no problem. Both of us slept in boxers, but we figured it wouldn't be that big of an issue. I had to work to control myself with his warm body lying next to me. I made sure there was plenty of space between us. He turned quickly got out of bed and turned off the light. Rays of moonlight bounced off his skin as he climbed back into the bed. "Derek?" I whispered.

"Yes Stiles?" he replied.

"You really suck at video games."

"Duly noted," he groaned. "Good night, Stiles."

"Good night, Derek." After a few minutes of laying in silence. I spoke again. "Oh… and Derek?"

"What?" his tone held no attempt to hide his annoyance.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me."

"You're welcome," he replied. "Now go to sleep."

I nodded, though realized it was a futile response since he was turned with his back to me, his eyes most likely closed.

I waited until I could hear faint snores coming from him. They were adorable and I had to control myself. Slowly, carefully I moved my arm, placing it gently on his waist, trying to make it seem like a natural instinct to curl up next to him. I wanted to be closer… to feel his warm skin flush against mine, but I knew that was too much. I was content with just that little bit of contact. I envisioned him waking up with us in this position and smiling in amusement. Instead, I felt his hand grab my arm, moving it off of him and back onto my side of the bed. I fell asleep sad.

* * *

After more than two weeks of living with Derek, the two of us had become close friends. We laughed, shared secrets, and I began to enjoy his company on a level more than just appreciating his physical beauty. I'd always known that Derek was a kind soul. These past two weeks truly underlined that fact. Derek was more than just kind. He was generous…

I could never pay him back for what he'd done for me, so as a token of my appreciation, I decided to clean the loft for him as he went grocery shopping. After spending the entire morning dusting, sweeping, and mopping, I felt like I had accomplished something. But this still didn't seem like enough to show how much I truly admired him for taking my problem on in the manner he did. I was a pretty decent cook… and considering how often we ended up eating take-out, I guessed that Derek probably wasn't. I ran my fingers across his large book shelf, before they stopped on an old cook book. I imagined that this might have been a book that survived the fire and that it might contain recipes his parents had once prepared for him. I pulled it out and began flipping through the pages, trying to find a recipe that he'd enjoy.

About twenty pages in, I discovered that someone had hollowed out the book. Hidden inside was a large dose of Rocket. I picked up the baggie, putting the book back. I still craved it… continuously. And with it in my hands, I did my best to try and put it down. I wanted to call Derek and tell him that I needed him. But I wanted the sparkling purple dust. I walked back over to the bed, sitting down as I stared at it. It shimmered as it reflected the light of the loft.

I summoned the strength to resist. But in the end, I was weak.

Derek came home as I was just coming down from my high. Nearly instantly, he could tell there was something wrong. I felt ashamed. I couldn't even look at him. After everything he'd done, _this_ was how I showed my appreciation. "Stiles? What's wrong?" he asked, sitting next to me on the bed, I turned away from him, but he grabbed my face, forcing me to look at him. I couldn't stare into his eyes, but instantly he knew. His voice was somber and I could see in his face how disappointed he was in me. "Who did you buy it from?" he asked.

I couldn't answer him. I pulled my knees up to my chin, wrapping myself into a protective ball as I cried.

"Stiles… don't make this worse," I heard his voice crack. I could tell that he was taking this personally.

"I didn't mean to," I whispered. "I tried not to…"

"Where did you get it?" he demanded.

"I found it…" I replied.

"Bullshit," he snapped. "Who sold it to you?"

"Nobody… please… just trust me!" I begged.

"How am I supposed to trust you? I was gone for only a few hours!" he said. His voice was soft and that was what killed me the most. I wanted him to scream at me. I wanted him to shout and lose his temper. I wanted him to throw something… to hit me… to cause as much damage on the outside as I had on the inside. I wanted him to tell me that I was really as much of a fuck up as I felt I was in that moment because I knew beyond all doubt that I deserved it. But he didn't.

Instead, he was quiet and his silence was more punishing than he'd ever know.

"I'm sorry, Derek…" I sobbed. He just stood there, his arms folded in anger.

"Who gave it to you?" he asked again.

"Nobody!" I insisted. "I found it in a book. Please believe me!"

"You know… I read about this and I wanted to believe that you might be different," he said. "I wanted to believe that maybe you and I had built up enough of a rapport that you'd be able to be honest with me about the relapse. But they were right… addicts lie."

Hearing him say that hurt worse than him leaving.

"And you know what, Stiles? I'm not angry that you relapsed. It happens. I'm disappointed, yes… but for you to lie to me about it?" His voice cracked again and he paused. I could see his eyes welling up. "That's what truly hurts."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Oh... I'm so sorry you guys... I know it's emotional and angsty, but it'll get better! Please let me know what you think! I love feedback and it helps fuel my muse, so that could lead to quicker update times.


	4. Bleeding Out

This song is named for "Bleeding Out" by Imagine Dragons

* * *

Derek walked into the kitchen the next morning. I could tell that he didn't sleep. Neither did I. He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't acknowledge me. "Derek…" I started. He ignored me. "Please don't hate me."

Finally, he paused, sighing. "Stiles… if I hated you… or even if I simply didn't care… I'd send you packing and think nothing of it."

"I really am sorry," I insisted.

He nodded, "I know. I just need you to know that if it happens again, you need to be honest with me." I knew it'd do more damage than good to again insist that I had found the Rocket in the apartment so I dropped it. He approached the bed, sitting down next to me, pulling me into a tight hug. "I promised you I wouldn't leave you. You'll get through this." Overcome by my emotions, I cried into his shoulder. He rubbed my back gently. "We're going to get through it."

"I know I disappointed you, Derek… I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

"Shhh," he continued rubbing my back soothingly. After having stayed awake all night, fighting the itching burn, the feel of his touch was comforting. Knowing that he cared and he wasn't going to abandon me for fucking up allowed me to relax. It wasn't long before I'd spent all of my energy and I fell asleep.

Waking up in Derek Hale's arms was something I'd always wanted to do. His peaceful face was inches away from mine. His breaths were steady and slow. He had fallen asleep, too. I wondered what I had done to deserve such kindness and friendship. I resolved to work harder at resisting the urge to use again. I wanted… no! I _needed_ to do this. If getting clean for my own sake wasn't a powerful enough motivator, then maybe doing it for Derek's would be.

My phone interrupted the serenity of the moment and I unfortunately woke Derek in my attempt to avoid doing just that. It was my dad. "Hey!" I croaked as I hit the "accept" button.

"I haven't seen you in a while. I miss you, bud," he said.

"I miss you, too, dad," I replied.

"Scott said you were at Derek's. Is everything alright?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's fine," I lied.

"You'd tell me if it wasn't, right?" he asked. "I don't want us to go back to keeping secrets from each other."

As if I didn't already feel guilty enough. "Yeah, everything's fine.

There were a few moments of silence. "So are you and Derek an item?"

My eyes widened as Derek seemed to perk up, an amused grin parting his lips. I could feel my cheeks and ears growing hot as I blushed. "No!" I exclaimed. Derek's grin turned into a hearty chuckle. I hated his werewolf hearing.

Apparently Dad wasn't convinced because he replied with a very serious, "Make sure you use protection!"

"Oh my God, Dad!" I was mortified. "I love you. I'm getting off the phone now."

Dad laughed. "I love you, too." I hung up, closing my eyes and wishing desperately that I could just disappear.

I felt a powerful craving for Rocket rip through me. My body shook from its strong desire for the drug. Almost instantly, I felt Derek's reassuring touch. "Are you alright?" I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I tried to stop the trembling. I wasn't sure how to respond. I could manage, but I was really very far from alright. When the shaking finally stopped, I felt weak. Derek seemed to sense this and immediately scooped me up, bringing me over to the bed where he gently laid me down.

"Thank you," I muttered as I gazed up at him.

His eyes raked over me, trying to assess any possible damage. "The withdrawal symptoms are getting worse," he pointed out. "What's in that stuff anyway?"

I shrugged. "Some plant… I think it's called Blue Rocket which is where the drug gets its name."

Derek froze and the color seemed to drain from his face. "Stiles… 'blue rocket' is a another term for wolfsbane. It was used in traditional Chinese medicine in small doses to relieve pain, which is why you're probably in so much pain during withdrawal."

My jaw dropped as the realization hit me. "That's why it seemed so familiar…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Lydia one time held a party at her house. She spiked the punch with wolfsbane. The first time I did Rocket, I thought the sensations were familiar… it's because I'd felt them at Lydia's party!" I explained.

Derek looked around, like he was trying to piece together information, but there was something still missing.

"What is it?" I asked.

He shook his head, blinking a few times before sitting on the bed next to me. His rough hand felt my forehead, checking for fever symptoms. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm hungry," I replied.

"Alright. Let's get cleaned up and we'll go grab some food," he said. He disappeared for a moment. "I'll shower first, then while you're in the shower, I'll try and find some more clothes. I think Isaac may have left some."

I showered quickly before walking into the area where Derek had laid out some clothes. Derek was standing with a towel around his waist. I did everything I could not to allow my eyes to linger. "Thank you," I said, doing my best to stare anywhere but at Derek's naked torso.

"As soon as I'm done showering, we can go," Derek said before disappearing. Cautiously, I followed him. My eyes trailed down his body as the towel dropped to the floor. I quickly hid behind the wall when I saw Derek look back. "Stiles… If you want to look… you get one shot." I closed my eyes. I was caught. I moved back into the doorway. Derek raised his arms, giving me unobstructed visual access. "Get a good look now, because you won't again."

Suddenly I felt bad for objectifying him like that. His body was gorgeous… even better than I'd imagined. What he had between his legs was both impressive and intimidating. "I'm sorry," I whispered before running back into the room where I got dressed, before waiting in the living area for him.

He looked good. Isaac's clothes fit much better on me than his had. As I stood near the door, waiting for him to join me he grabbed his keys. Before opening the door, he paused. "I'm going to say this just one time," he said. "I care about you, Stiles. I care about you quite a bit. And I want nothing more than to see you kick this addiction. But nothing can happen between us. You're a minor and the son of the sheriff." I started to challenge that, but he put his hand up, cutting me off. "On top of that, it would be incredibly detrimental to your recovery and really just irresponsible of me to foster any kind of romantic or sexual feelings between us. So after this conversation, no more."

I felt nauseous. Here was the one guy I wanted to ride off into the sunset with. Yet in everything he said, he never mentioned anything about not being interested in me, only that he wanted to avoid the obvious ethical complications. "Derek, I didn't mean to offend you…"

"I'm not offended," he said. "I'm flattered. Truly, I am. But you need to just push out any thoughts you have about me."

I nodded, trying not to tear up, not wanting Derek to see it. He'd seen me crying too much lately. "I'm sorry, Derek," I whispered.

"Stop apologizing," he said.

* * *

We got more clothes from my house. Scott was sending my school work to Derek so I wouldn't fall too far behind. I struggled to push all wayward thoughts of him from my head, but it wasn't an easy task. Sleeping next to him every night was torturous. To want him so badly, then to see what I couldn't touch… it was harder than dealing with the cravings, but at least Derek was helping me with one of those problems.

We spent so much time together that I was beginning to wonder what I'd done before he came back. Peter was pissed that he'd essentially been rendered homeless by my presence, but he respected Derek's wishes that he stay away while I continued my recovery.

Eventually, Derek and I decided to make my move-in official. Dad was still under the assumption that Derek and I were a couple. I wished desperately that he was right, then I wished that I didn't want that. I began to get sad and depressed.

Derek noticed the change almost immediately. "Okay you've been moping for days. What's wrong?" he asked as I thumbed through a textbook.

I wasn't sure how to respond. He made it perfectly clear that I couldn't bring this up again. "Nothing, Derek. I'm fine."

"You don't smile anymore. You've been short with me a lot lately," he said. "That doesn't seem like you're 'fine' to me."

"What do you want?" I asked.

He sat down next to me. "I want to know what's going on with you… so I can help you."

"That's the problem!"

"What do you mean?"

"I've become just another stupid kid you have to protect!" I insisted. "But that's not what's going to help me… because right now… I'm closer to using than ever before."

Immediately Derek tensed. He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Did something happen?"

I sighed. "No… and that's the problem."

"What do you mean?" he asked. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I moved closer to him, closing my eyes, I pressed my lips to his. My hand made my way to his neck as I prayed he'd kiss me back. He put his hand on my chest, pushing me away. "Stiles, no… We talked about this!"

"No. We didn't. You talked and just laid down a law I didn't want to follow!" I said. "I've had feelings for you for a long time. Why do you think I started using in the first place? It was because you left!"

Regret clouded his eyes. "I don't know what to do, Stiles."

"If you can honestly tell me that you don't have feelings for me, then I'll drop it."

He remained silent.

I stared into his eyes. "I don't care that I'm underage… or that my dad's the sheriff. He thinks we're together already and he's fine with it."

He remained silent for a few more minutes before letting out a sigh. "I don't want it to seem like I'm taking advantage of you. I was down and out… at my lowest and Jennifer swooped in. Look at the destruction she caused."

"She was also a psychotic druid bitch," I replied. "I know I can't keep doing whatever it is that we're doing right now. It hurts too much. If it continues… I know I'll end up relapsing again."

"But do you see what's wrong with this?" Derek asked. "Now I feel pressured to make a decision I might not normally make because I don't want you to relapse. This isn't fair."

He was right. Essentially, this was blackmail. I had just told him date me or I'll relapse. "Derek… you told me to be honest about relapses. That's what I'm trying to do. I don't want you to agree to this because I'm in pain. I want you to agree to it because you have feelings for me."

"What do you want me to do, Stiles?" he asked.

"Just admit it. Even if we don't act on it… I _need_ to know," I replied. "Please. That can be enough for me. _Please_, Derek."

He stayed silent. His eyes bored through mine. My heart was thundering in my chest. I just needed to hear the words. I did my best to keep my breath steady. Finally he opened his mouth. "I love you, Stiles. But I stand by what I said before. You're in recovery. Nothing can happen between us."

Relief washed over me. "I love you, too, Derek."

* * *

**A/N**: So much angst! Ugh! I know this is burning slowly... but when it happens, it'll be worth it, I promise! Let me know what you thought of this chapter. I don't expect too long a wait for the next one.


	5. Heroes

This song is named for the song "Heroes" by David Bowie.

* * *

"How are your cravings?" Derek asked. His eyes searched me. He was, undoubtedly, listening to my heartbeat.

"Stronger than my craving for oxygen," I replied honestly. "But I'm managing."

He smiled, pulling me into a tight hug. "You need to start doing normal things. That means going to school… dealing with the real world. You can't just stay cooped up in here your whole life… not that I don't adore the company."

"What if I'm not strong enough?" I asked, resting my head against his powerful chest.

He pushed me away slightly. "I'm going to impose a rule. Any time you have the desire and the means to use… call me. I'll answer no matter what I'm doing and I'll talk you down."

"What if you don't answer?" I asked, afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to call.

He kissed my forehead. It was the only way I ever felt his lips on my skin. Part of me thought he did it because there's nothing sexy about a grandma forehead kiss. "I'll always answer."

* * *

Derek dropped me off at school on my first day back. "Don't you think that packing me a lunch was a little excessive?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Most important meal of the day."

"That's breakfast, you idiot…" I said grumpily.

He leaned over, giving me a forehead kiss. I made a face. He knows how much I hate those. "Try to have a good day, Stiles. Call me if you need me."

The care and concern in his voice was enough to melt my bad mood. "I love you, Derek."

"I love you, too."

I got out of the Camaro, taking a deep breath before walking into the school. Lydia was the first to see me. She eyed me carefully as Scott, Isaac, and Allison all followed suit. "How are you holding up?" Scott asked when I finally got to my locker. I was shocked that I even remembered the combination.

"Some days are better than others," I replied. "Derek helps."

Allison approached, speaking softly. "Stiles… if you would have told us, we could have helped."

I shook my head. "No… you couldn't have. Derek was what I needed."

"If you need us, we're here for you, Stiles," Scott said. His large puppy dog eyes were wide in earnest concern.

I smiled and nodded, "Thanks you guys…"

As I headed to my first class, my phone vibrated. Opening up, the text was from Derek. _You can do this, Stiles. I have faith in you. _I smiled as I walked to first period.

It wasn't easy walking through these halls. They all seemed to echo with the horrors they'd seen at Jennifer's hands. Everyone insisted on treating me like I was a fragile piece of glass. Even the coach didn't try to embarrass me like he usually did. It all began to piss me off. It was like everyone knew that I had become just some teenage junkie and that the slightest provocation would send me on a Rocket-fueled bender the likes of which would put even Lindsay Lohan's epic spiral to some sort of shame.

The fact that I managed to finish that day was, quite frankly, miraculous. I was sitting on the benches as Derek pulled up. I quickly got into the car. "How was your first day back?" he asked.

"Please don't make me go back tomorrow," I begged.

"Was it that bad?"

"You have no idea," I sighed. "It's like everyone knows that I sucked cock for drugs."

He winced. I had a feeling that he still labored under the illusion that I was just as virginal as I had been before he disappeared. "I'm sure they don't."

"Please… I can't go back," I said. "I really just can't."

"There are two months left in the school year… two months is all it takes…"

"I will kill myself before I do two months in that place," I insisted.

A wild, angry look crossed his face. "Never say that again!" he growled. For the first time in a very long time, he scared me.

"Derek I'm sorry…"

"No!" he snapped. "Have you forgotten how many people have died in this town recently? Boyd and Erica. Your father was nearly killed. I chased Jennifer all through a fucking hospital filled with the most dangerous Alphas in the world to try and save him, in case you forgot! I lost my Alpha status to save my sister's life. So _how dare you_ treat your life so carelessly?"

"I didn't think about it…"

"No… you didn't think," he said. "You're coming back tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. I won't allow your bad choices to completely fuck over your future."

"Since when did you become my dad?" I asked defensively.

He sighed, staring out his window. "I love you, Stiles. I want what's best for you."

"Then maybe you should let me decide what's best…" I said.

"If you're going to continue to live with me, you have to go to school," he said. There was finality in his tone that told me I wasn't going to win this one.

* * *

Day after day, Derek brought me to school. Each successive day made me crave Rocket even more. Those two months seemed like an eternity. However when the last bell rang on the final day of school, I ran out of that place, glad that for a little while, I wouldn't have to see it again, and hoping that during the course of summer break, I could convince Derek to let me just stop going to school altogether.

As I got into the Camaro, Derek was grinning widely. "Why do you look so happy?" I asked.

"Because I'm proud of you," he replied. "You've been clean for five months and you finished your school year with pretty decent grades."

"You didn't give me much of a choice," I muttered.

"Be that as it may, I'm still very proud of you," he said, leaning toward me. Before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine. Instantly, I could feel my heart racing. His tongue slipped past my parted lips. He tasted better than I'd ever imagined. My hand found its way to his scruffy cheek and jaw, pulling his face ever closer to mine as I let my tongue enter his mouth. Months of restraint and longing poured out of us. The force of the kiss was nearly painful, but I cherished every second of it, and when it finally broke, I felt a little dazed. That was _exactly_ the way I had always wanted my first kiss with Derek to go. It was perfect. And it was beautiful. I felt a lump forming in my throat and blinked a few tears from my eyes. Instantly Derek became fraught with worry. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, actually. I'm just really happy."

He reached over, grabbing my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Let's go out and celebrate!"

We drove for a while in silence, our fingers interlocked on the center console. At long last, we ended up at a diner way off the beaten path. "Where the hell are we?"

"My parents used to bring me here when I was young. They have the best root beer floats in all of California," he said. "And their burgers are amazing."

We entered the diner, choosing a booth near the windows. After a few moments, a waitress came up to us, taking our orders. We both got a burger and soda to start off with. As we waited for our food, Derek asked me the constant question: "How are your cravings?"

I thought about it. "Right now, they're not bad. I mean… I still want it, but I don't feel like I _need_ to have it."

"That's actually really good," he said. "It means you're learning to control it."

"But I don't feel like I'm in control," I countered. "And today, I don't need it… but tomorrow I might."

He nodded. "I know. And you just need to take it one day at a time. Deal with it one day at a time."

"You sound like an AA advertisement."

He shrugged. "You're recovering from addiction. What's the difference?"

"Good point."

The waitress brought our food. We thanked her and I stared at what looked like the largest burger I'd ever seen in my life. "Prepare for a religious experience," Derek joked, picking his up, taking a huge bite out of it.

I struggled to open my mouth wide enough to get a good bite. The meat was tender and juicy, complimented perfectly by the mayo, lettuce, and pickles they topped it with. I was unable to contain the moan as the taste truly hit me. My eyes widened and I did my best to convey to Derek how delicious it was.

I ate ravenously, making a bit of a mess as I continued digging into the burger. Derek watched me with a look of both horror and amusement at how quickly I downed it. When I finished the last of the burger, I felt satisfied, taking a large gulp of soda and began picking at my fries as Derek continued trying to catch up with me.

When it was time, the waitress came back and Derek ordered us some root beer floats. He continued eyeing me. "What?" I asked.

"I just don't understand where you put all of that," he replied. "I mean… you're tiny… that burger was half as big as you are."

I shrugged. "My dad was often surprised by my ability to eat."

The waitress returned with the cold, foamy dessert. Derek raised his, and I followed his lead. "To you, Stiles. For everything you've accomplished."

I smiled. "And to you, for all the help you've given me this far."

I plunged my spoon into the treat, eating some of the ice cream. It was the first time I truly felt like I was part of a couple. And he was right, it was the best root beer float I'd ever had.

* * *

A week after school got out, Derek and I sat watching a movie. I leaned against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. The door to the loft opened, causing us to startle. "Am I interrupting anything?" Peter asked.

"No… you should have called, though," Derek said.

"You originally said two weeks. It's been almost six months," he replied.

"You had your own apartment. What happened to that?" I asked

"I decided to sub-let since I was staying here… but I've had to move back in and I need to get some of my stuff."

"Let me know if you need help," Derek said and we returned to the film. Peter made several trips back and forth before bidding us goodbye and closing the door behind himself. I craned my neck, giving Derek a peck on the cheek. We hadn't kissed since the last day of school, but he was no longer concerned with leaving space between us on the bed and I very often woke to his arm hugged protectively around me.

As my lips grazed his cheek, he moved his head, matching his lips against mine. Again, his tongue searched my mouth. I turned my body, so that I could be more comfortable, straddling my legs on either side of his large frame. His rough hands moved to my hips, slipping beneath my shirt and running along my back. I slipped my hand beneath his shirt, allowing my hand to run across his chest, which was covered with a light dusting of hair that really drove me wild. Instinct began to take over and I ground my hips against him. Instantly he froze, pulling away. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked breathily. My heart was pounding in my chest as my erection strained against my pants.

"Stiles… we're walking a very thin line… I don't know that I can control myself," he said, his husky voice betraying his desire.

"I don't want you to control yourself."

"You're a minor," he reminded me. "I'm… not."

"Please, Derek… I'm ready for this… I'm ready for you. You were there with me when I got tested… you know I'm clean. I can handle this. I want you," I said, practically begging.

He flipped us over so his powerful body was on top of me. "You're thinking with your hormones… not your head. If we take our relationship to that level… it will never be the same afterwards. There's no going back."

"I don't care," I replied. "I love you… I'm feeling stable now. I think of you as my boyfriend. We share a bed. We do everything together. Why can't we do this?"

"Because this wouldn't be just sex, Stiles. Not for us," he replied. "And if I'm your first… I need to know that you're ready for that sort of connection."

"Is it different with werewolves?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It can be. But I'm talking more about the fact that we love each other. If something happens, I don't want you to regret this choice."

"I won't regret it, Derek… I promise," I insisted.

"Are you sure?"

I leaned up, locking my lips to his, answering him with a passionate kiss.

* * *

**A/N**: Okay… I know… I'm evil for cutting it off right here… but you know that this means that the next chapter can only begin one way… Let me know what you think! I'll have the next chapter up soon.


	6. Gravity

This chapter is named for "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

* * *

His body crashed against mine. Not being bothered to stop kissing, Derek ripped my clothes off. He moved down my body, placing tiny kisses on my neck and chest. As he swirled his tongue around my nipple, his hands reached down into my pants. The tip of his fingers brushed my length, eliciting a moan. It was the first time I'd been touched there by someone other than myself.

He stopped kissing me to unbutton my pants, slowly sliding them off. Though I'd slept next to him in my boxers every single night, suddenly I felt vulnerable and shy. He pulled his pants off, too, laying his body back down on mine. I trembled beneath his touch. "Are you alright?" he asked.

I nodded.

"We can still stop this…" he reminded me.

I smiled. "I don't want to stop."

I ran my hands across his back. "Are you ready?" he asked before slowly working my boxers down, tossing them to the side. I was now completely exposed to him. He once again kissed down my body, his face hovering above my dick. Slowly and carefully he took me into his mouth. I whimpered as his tongue swirled around me.

I ran my hands through his thick black hair, "Derek that feels amazing," I moaned. I feared I might come too quickly, so I had to pull him off, as much as I didn't want to. "My turn."

I let him get comfortable beside me and I removed his boxers. He was already rigid. I became suddenly incredibly ashamed that as I went to take him in my mouth, I couldn't. How could I let someone I loved and adored go where I'd let Maurice take his payment?

"Stiles what's wrong?" he asked.

I began to cry. "I'm sorry… I just can't do that to you… not after I…"

Instantly he sat up, his hands gently pulling me toward him. "If you don't want to, you don't have to."

I shook my head. "I mean, it's not that I don't want to… I just… How can I do that after what I did with that dealer?"

Derek's eyes softened. "We all have history, Stiles. I love you. I love _all_ of you. Even the parts that may not seem easy to love. That said, if you're not comfortable doing that… you don't have to."

"I'm sorry, Derek," I sighed.

"No… don't be sorry," he said. "Don't you ever be sorry for saying 'no.' Do you want to stop now?"

I shook my head. "No… we can continue." Derek smiled back at me, once again arranging us so that he was on top of me, taking me back into his mouth as a finger began to press into me. I reached down, stopping him. "No… I need lube…"

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" he gasped. He reached beneath the bed, pulling out a long, thin bottle, squirting some of the liquid onto his hands. He let his finger trace around my opening, sending tingles up my spine. Slowly, his finger entered me, moving in and out of me. As it became easier, he added a second… then a third… continuing to loosen me up in preparation for him. After removing his fingers, he pulled me to the edge of the bed, lifting my legs onto his shoulders. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"For the last time, Derek… yes!"

He leaned down, kissing me as he slowly pushed in. I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did. Guys in the porn videos I'd watched always seemed to make it look like it was a bucket of fun from start to finish. I grunted as he kept pushing in, pausing while I adjusted, then pushed more in. I was shaking by the time he told me he was fully inside me. "Are you alright?"

I felt overly full. Like my body was being stretched beyond its capacity, but I nodded anyway. He began slowly moving. The pain nearly instantly melted, being replaced by a strange pleasure. Our bodies moved together as he thrust into me. I grunted and moaned my encouragements. We worked in tandem to provide mutual pleasure.

When my legs began to cramp, Derek changed our position so that he was lying on his back. I reached behind, guiding him back into me and slowly, I rose up and down as he stared at me with a look of awe and wonder. "What?" I laughed, pausing.

He blushed a little. "I just never imagined that this would be so beautiful."

"I did," I replied, returning to my slow, torturously pleasurable pace. He sat up, his nails scratching slightly into my skin. His hips moved slightly, pushing him further into me, causing me to cry out in surprise.

"I'm sorry… did I hurt you?" he asked.

"No," I chuckled. "But I need you to thrust…"

Putting his arms around me, he wrapped my legs around his waist and moved us so that I was hanging on to him while he stood on his knees, bouncing me up and down on his dick. Each thrust hit that spot inside me that made me want to burst. After several moments, he grunted. "Stiles… I'm close…"

"Go ahead," I encouraged. He moved me even faster before pulling me all the way down on him, crying out loudly. A strange sensation filled me as he came. It startled me at first, but I realized I enjoyed it. It was as if I'd been marked as his. He reached between us, stroking me. I placed my hand on his, guiding him to the way I preferred it. He stared into my eyes as he did it. As I got closer and closer, I could feel my backside trying to squeeze around him, as if my body was milking every last drop from him while he did the same to me. My breaths became shallower as I cried his name, hitting him on the neck and chest as my body shuddered from my bliss. We collapsed, holding each other tightly in our arms, both of us breathing hard.

Slowly, he pulled out of me, leaving me feeling empty. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

I kissed him. "I don't think I've ever felt this good before, Derek. I love you."

"I love you, too," he whispered.

We made love several more times that night before both of us finally collapsed in exhaustion.

* * *

When I awoke the next morning, Derek's arms were tight around me, his naked body pressed against mine. The entire room smelled of sex, which was the only thing that helped me remember that what happened was real and not just a dream. I felt him squeeze me a little. "You awake?"

"Mhmm."

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"If you're trying to figure out if I regret what we did… the answer is no, I don't… I feel better than I have in a very long time," I replied.

"It's like you know me," Derek chuckled.

I turned around, facing him. "How do _you_ feel about it?"

"I'll wait to see if you go on a murderous rampage before I answer," he said.

"What?"

"Well between Jennifer and Kate, I was two for two on that one…"

"No, I think you just attract homicidal women," I joked. "It's that brooding. Psycho bitches love brooding."

He laughed, hitting me playfully. "Why don't we shower and get some breakfast."

"Or we could stay in bed and do more of that stuff we did last night," I suggested.

"You're such a little horn dog… Come on, I'm starving!" he begged.

I gave him a deep kiss before climbing out of bed. Walking felt strange at first, but I did my best to walk normally, knowing that Derek would blame himself and possibly refuse to ever have sex with me again if he thought for a moment that he hurt me. "Do you want to shower first or should I?" I asked.

He flashed a wicked grin. "I don't see why we couldn't shower together… you know… to save time."

"And you called me a horn dog…" I muttered. As he followed me to the bathroom, he smacked me friskily on the ass.

* * *

It was like we were a real couple. We had done the most intimate thing two people could do and suddenly, there were no secrets between us. And the best part, there was no more shame. We spent hours memorizing each other's bodies, or asking each other the most random questions, earnestly trying to learn even more about one another. We discussed what happened between Maurice and me. We discussed him and Kate and then him and Jennifer. Our relationship was honest.

The morning of my six month sobriety benchmark, I awoke with intense cravings. I'd been spending so much time talking with Derek that I was often distracted and barely noticed the cravings. My body shook with want of the drug. "Derek?" I whimpered. There was no response. I looked over to his side of the bed, seeing that he was gone already. I cried out in frustration before I noticed a note laying on his pillow, written in the sloppy scrawl that could only come from Derek.

_I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I'll be back later, just needed to run a few errands. I love you._

I forced myself from the bed, deciding to sate my thirst for Rocket with some water, hoping that maybe I could find something to distract myself from it. As I poured myself some water, I dialed Derek's phone from memory, desperately needing to hear his soothing voice talk me down.

"You've reached Derek Hale. Leave me a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can," his voice said after an endless stream of rings. I hung up, dialing him again.

"Please pick up, Derek… Please…" I begged as it rang again before sending me to voicemail. I felt a tight grip in my chest, pulling me to find Rocket at any cost. "I can't do this to Derek," I whispered, leaning against the bookshelf, calling him again, getting his voicemail for a fourth time.

In my frustration, I sent the row of books flying. I knew I'd have to pick them up later, but the release of aggression helped in the moment, until I saw that one of the books I had sent flying was the cook book that had been hollowed out. Several doses of Rocket spilled out of the book and onto the floor. The purple dust sparked brilliantly and invitingly in their tiny plastic bags.

I stared at them in horror, hoping that I was hallucinating what my junkie brain wanted to see versus what was actually there. Slowly I reached down, picking the bags up, placing them back in the book. They were real. I now had both the desire and the means to use. I tapped out a desperate, angry text. _Derek! Answer your fucking phone!_

Again, I tried to call him. "Please pick up…" I begged as it rang. Again with the voicemail. "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!" I screamed, throwing a photo Derek kept of me on his bedside table against a wall. The glass shattered into hundreds of pieces. I wanted to resist, for Derek. But I needed his help and I wasn't getting it. I sobbed, staring at the book where it called to me. My body trembled with desire for it. I scratched at my skin where an itching burn began to form, reminding me the one way to make it disappear was to simply give in and let my body have what it wanted.

Dumping one of the bags out onto my bedside table, I leaned down and inhaling it. Right before the drug began to take effect, I tapped out one last text. _I'm sorry Derek. I really tried._ Rocket began to replace my guilt. Suddenly, the pain of the betrayal became the blissful high that my drug always promised. I stared at the ceiling, seeing the swirling colors and the delicious floating feeling that soon followed.

I became detached from time and space. Having gone so long since I last used, the high was much more powerful than my last one had been. And I stayed higher longer. I was beginning to come down when I heard the loft door slide open. "Stiles?" Derek called. It took a bit to realize that it was his voice. "STILES!" he screamed. I felt him at my side, "Oh my God, Stiles. Can you hear me?"

"I tried," I managed. "You didn't answer. You promised me you would always answer…"

I managed to force my eyes open. He was crying. "I forgot my phone. I'm so sorry."

"I tried, Derek," I repeated, sobbing against him.

"I know," he whimpered, kissing me on the top of my head. "I'm going to try and make it better." He moved me, bringing me up so that my head was closer to his. I could feel his breath hot against my neck.

"What are you doing?" I asked groggily.

"I'm going to make sure that you never have the urge to use again…" he replied, his voice cracking as he did. Searing pain forced me to scream out as I felt his teeth pierce my skin.

He was trying to turn me. "NO!" I screamed, trying to fight back against him, but it was too late, he'd already bitten me. Now it was just a waiting game to see if the bite took. I felt the fog swallowing me back up as blood leaked from the wound in my neck. The fog became more and more dense until blackness completely consumed me.

* * *

**Derek**

Gently, I laid him down on the bed, holding his hand tightly in mine, praying that I didn't fail him for the second time in one day. I told him I'd always answer. I failed him. He trusted me to be there for him when he was at his lowest… and I couldn't come through. And in my attempt to relieve my own guilt, I tried to turn him and I could hear his heart slowing. _The bite of an Alpha will either turn you or kill you_. I knew that lesson all too well. He wasn't strong enough to fight as long as Paige had.

The realization dawned on me. What if my selfish act reduced him to something little more than what Gerard had become? He was high on wolfsbane. "Shit…" I muttered to myself. I grabbed some clothes and pulled them onto his body before loading him into the car. I had to get him to Deaton.

The entire drive, I focused my hearing, trying to figure out whether or not he was still breathing and his heart was still continuing to beat. A faint _thud_ could be heard, but it was getting weaker and weaker. "Please hold on, Stiles…" I begged. "Please."

Carrying his body into Deaton's office, I screamed out for him.

"Derek?" he called, but as he rounded the corner, seeing Stiles hanging limply in my arms, his eyes widened. "What happened?"

"I tried to turn him. He was high on a drug… and I can barely hear his heart beating," I cried. "Please… save him!"

He opened the balustrade, allowing me to pass through, motioning for me to lay Stiles down on an exam table. "What drug?" Deaton asked, putting on his stethoscope and listening for Stiles' ever-waning heartbeat.

"It's called Rocket. It's made from wolfsbane," I told him. I could tell that he was trying to control his facial expressions, but I knew this wasn't good. "I promised him I'd answer his call. Please don't let him die."

"I'll do my best, Derek… but I won't lie to you," he said. "He'll likely not survive."

Tears spilled from my eyes. I took Stiles' hand in mine, running my thumb over the smooth skin. He felt cold. "Stay with me, Stiles." I couldn't add him to the list of people I loved and cared about who died because of my weakness. Paige. My family. Boyd. Erica.

"Does Scott know?" Deaton asked, mixing together various herbs and other plants chanting in some strange language under his breath.

I shook my head. "He knows Stiles was recovering from Rocket addiction… but he doesn't know about this," I replied. Scott would never forgive me. He trusted me to keep Stiles safe.

He added some strange liquid to his mixture, creating a pasty substance and began drawing various symbols on Stiles' chest, then applied the remainder to the bite mark. After washing his hands, he guided me out of the room. "No! I have to stay with him!" I argued.

Deaton shook his head. "No… he just needs to rest, now… but the way you turned him… it might have a strange effect."

"What do you mean?"

"Where you bit him. A bite that intimate… between two people who care that much about one another can have profound effects," he replied.

"Deaton, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for your cryptic druid crap! Stiles is dying on that table and you have me in here! Say what you need to say!" I snarled.

Taking my anger in stride, he simply nodded. "As an Alpha, biting him on the neck in the manner and under the circumstances you did, it's quite possible that you gave him a Mating bite," he explained.

"And what does that mean?" I demanded.

"In wolf packs, there is the Alpha male and the Alpha female. Those two are the ones with the reproductive potential. In werewolf packs, there's the Alpha, who can be either male or female. However, if they give someone a Mating bite, they mark that werewolf as theirs. It's something that anyone will be able to see, smell, feel. It will be a beacon to every other werewolf that you intend to mate with him and the urge will be strong between you to do that," Deaton explained.

"We've already had sex," I said. "I don't understand."

He shook his head. "No. I mean mate as in… produce young."

A loud scream shook me from my confusion and I bolted into the room.

* * *

**Stiles**

He turned me. He fucking turned me. As if not answering when he told me he would was bad enough… he knew I didn't want to ever be a fucking werewolf and he fucking turned me! I looked at the claws protruding from the ends of my fingers.

I glared at him as he came into the room. "Why would you do this?" I demanded.

Instantly, he stopped. "I thought it was the only way I could save your life," he said softly.

I shook my head, rage clouding my vision. "No. You could have saved my life by keeping your fucking promise." His face twisted in pain, as though my words were daggers cutting through him. "And instead… you took the easy way out."

He moved closer to me, trying to grab my hand. "Stiles… I'm sorry."

I snatched my hand away from him. "Don't fucking touch me!"

He quickly retracted his hand. The months of trust that we'd developed between us was gone, from my point of view. He broke his most sacred vow to me. I wasn't sure that I could forgive him for that.

In my anger, I could feel my eyes flash. Derek gasped. "Why are his eyes that color?" I looked into a mirror. They were a brilliant, fiery orange, not the beautiful golden yellow that Scott's had been when he was first turned, or the vivid, intimidating red of Derek's and now Scott's since they were Alphas.

"When you turn someone yourself because you love them and you wish to save them… their eyes will burn with the fiery orange of the passion behind their turning," Deaton explained.

I shook my head. "It wasn't passion. It was betrayal."

* * *

**A/N**: On one hand... YAY sexy times! On the other... I'm sorry! I know... Why do I have to torture them like this? Doesn't Jeff Davis do enough of that? It'll get better though, I promise.


	7. Better

This chapter is named for the song "Better" by Regina Spektor

* * *

I stood, arms crossed, staring out the large windows, my bright orange eyes reflected back. I was angry all the time, so much so that I couldn't make my eyes stop glowing. I had no more cravings for Rocket. No. Derek saw to that. I missed those cravings because what they were replaced by made me even angrier.

My body was different. Derek had turned me into the Alpha Female of his pack and my body changed to be able to keep up with the demands the Alpha would place on me… namely… his litter.

"We have to talk eventually," Derek said softly, walking up behind me. The most insidious part of this was that my body… my wolf… it wanted Derek more than it wanted oxygen. It wanted to fulfill that duty and give him a child. Derek's hand found its way to my shoulder.

I shook him off. "Go fuck yourself, Derek."

"Will you just look at me?"

"Why would I want to do that?" I snarled back. "Why would I want to see the man who betrayed me… twice in one day? Why would I want to look at the man who has turned me into his fucking baby factory?"

"I didn't realize that would happen," he insisted. "I was just trying to save your life."

"You knew I wanted to stay human," I replied. "And you chose to turn me anyway. You turned Boyd, Erica, and Isaac with their permission and without a hitch… but me? You took away my freedom to choose and now I'm stuck as monster tied to an even worse monster."

"Do you at least want to know why I wasn't home?" Derek asked.

As a matter of fact I did. "Why not? What was so fucking important?"

Derek reached for a package. "It got broken when I dropped it after finding you… It was to celebrate your six months of sobriety." He handed it to me. There was a crystal placard attached to a vase with six red roses. The words engraved into the placard said _Stiles, may every step on your road to recovery be one we take together. I'm proud of you. Love, Derek._

Damn it. "It's beautiful," I said. "Thank you. But I'm still angry."

"I know I let you down, Stiles," he said. "And all I can do is beg for your forgiveness."

"I'm not ready to give it," I told him.

"Regardless of what you might think of me, I _do_ love you, Stiles," he sighed.

"I know you do," I said. "But that doesn't change the fact that you turned me against my will. And it doesn't change the fact that you made me your Mate. I might have eventually asked you to turn me and I probably would have chosen you because I've liked you for so long. But now I don't have that choice and there's nothing you can do to make this better."

"What would you have had me do differently?" he asked.

"Let me come down from my high… go through withdrawal again and start from scratch! Like normal addicts do!" I shot back, finally turning to face him. "Instead… you bit me when I had wolfsbane in my system! Even I could have told you that was a bad fucking idea!"

"I wasn't thinking," he admitted. "I acted impulsively."

"Which I think we can both agree is the root of many of your problems," I said, finally turning back away from him. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to forgive you for turning my own body against me."

* * *

We hadn't even talked about the fact that Derek now knew I hadn't been lying during my first relapse. We didn't really talk at all, except for him saying "I love you" before he'd leave the loft. I never said it back. The full moon was approaching and I was scared. I needed Scott to help on this one.

I knew I had little room to ask Scott for anything considering how little attention I'd paid to him recently. But that was the thing about Scott I admired… I knew he wouldn't hold it against me.

As I knocked on the door of the McCall house, I tried to keep my eyes somehow hidden so that he wouldn't see them, though realized he would smell it on me. I heard him approaching the door and stepped back. "Stiles!" he had a hard time hiding the excitement in his voice.

"Hey, Scott," I replied, unable to force myself to sound as excited as he was.

Instantly he went rigid. "What happened?"

"He turned me," I said softly. He hugged me tightly. The feel of my best friend's embrace was enough to help me let go of the anger that was keeping me from being able to mourn the relationship I had built with Derek. I began to cry. He let me sob into his shoulder. "He turned me and made me his Mate."

"Why are you upset?" Scott asked.

I explained to him what happened once I was able to stop crying. He listened without interrupting, allowing me to vent and scream.

"I'm so sorry, Stiles," he said softly. "I wish there were a way to change you back."

"I feel so betrayed," I told him. "He knew how I felt about it… and he turned me. I loved him, Scott."

"You said that in the past tense…" he pointed out.

"I don't know how I feel about him right now," I replied. "Or even if I can trust the way I feel about him because of that Mating thing. My body wants him. But I'm just so angry."

"For what it's worth, Stiles… I don't think he did it to be malicious," Scott replied. "He really cares about you."

"I know."

* * *

"We need to talk about the full moon," Derek said as I entered the loft.

"I went through it with Scott. I think I'll be alright," I replied. Seeing him again hurt, even though Scott's talk helped.

"Stiles… it's my job to help you through this… I'm your Alpha," he said.

Anger flared back up in me. I could feel my eyes flashing orange once more. "I'll remind you that I, too, have Alpha status! I submit to you only because of the Mate link."

"Stiles, that isn't what I meant," Derek replied. "Please… I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to fix this fucked up situation I created and make it as easy as possible for you."

"I'm tired. I just want to sleep," I said.

"Then let's go to bed," he suggested.

I shook my head. "No. I'll sleep in Peter's old room."

Derek nodded. "Sleep well. I love you."

I walked upstairs, collapsing on the bed. It smelled of Peter, but I was tired and I didn't care. It didn't take long before I faded into a restless sleep.

I woke up some time later, and looked at the clock. Only two hours had passed. Sleeping alone didn't feel right. Not having a warm body pressed against mine made it impossible to sleep. It always shocked me how despite being as exhausted as I was, without Derek beside me, I couldn't sleep.

Creeping down the stairs, I tried to see if Derek was still awake. I saw him lying motionless on the bed. Carefully, I slipped under the covers.

"Can't sleep?" Derek asked. Shit. "Me neither. Not without you by my side."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this, Derek," I said, my back to him. "I can't just act like none of it happened."

"I don't expect you to," he replied. "I just don't want to give up on us."

"But is there an 'us' right now?" I asked. "How can I have a relationship with you when I don't trust you?"

"Do you still love me?"

"I don't know… I'm just so angry."

"You can be angry and love someone, Stiles," Derek replied.

"But how do I know that my love for you is coming from me and not because you made me your Mate?" I asked. "This is my problem… When I was a human, I knew that every ounce of love, admiration, and desire I had for you was coming from me. And now? I just don't know." Even as I laid next to him, my body stirred with desire. The urge to mate and produce young was intense. It was only my anger that allowed me to resist.

"I really _am_ sorry, Stiles," he said.

"I know you are. But like I said before, I'm not ready to forgive you," I replied.

He must have known I didn't want to discuss it any further because he gave me a simple "Sleep well," and turned over on his side.

Old habits die hard, though, and when I woke up, I was facing his back, our bodies nestled closely together. My hand rested languidly on his waist. I had dreamed about him that night. I saw flashes of all the things we'd gone through together from the moment we first met until now. I had to move quickly away from him, wiping tears from my eyes. I hoped that he hadn't felt me against him, but I knew that he probably did.

I showered and dressed alone. Though my eyes weren't burning with the fiery orange, they were still hard, fearsome, and angry.

Derek finally woke as I was shoveling cereal into my mouth. "So there's something else I need to say," he announced as he sat across from me. I raised my eyebrows in mild curiosity. If this was another attempt to beg forgiveness, I didn't want to hear it. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you relapsed the first time. I should have trusted you."

I was caught off guard by that one. "I accept your apology," I replied curtly, returning to my breakfast.

We sat in silence or several minutes before Derek spoke again. "Is this what it's going to be like from now on? Awkward silence… avoiding eye contact?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. I told you yesterday that I can't act like your boyfriend when I don't trust you."

"I fucked up one time, Stiles… and you throw out six months of me being by your side and in your corner for this one mistake?" he asked. "How is that fair?"

"I don't think you want to start the conversation of 'fair'," I warned. "It's not fair that I got turned against my will and it's not fair that I'm now your Mate, again… without my consent."

"I did it out of love! I was afraid you'd die!" Derek countered.

"And now… instead of craving a drug that I might have eventually kicked for good… my body is craving to give you children! I don't even know how that's possible!" I shouted. "And I'm a teenager. I don't want to become a parent. I want to live. Make mistakes. Do stupid shit. Fall in love and get married."

Derek flinched. "I thought you already fell in love…"

"I did, Derek," I replied, my voice softening. "I loved you enough to let you be my first. And I'll probably always love you. I'll always be grateful for what you've done to help me these past few months. But I don't know that I'll ever be able to get past the betrayal of turning me."

"So what… we're just roommates now who can't sleep unless we're lying next to one another?" he asked.

"I don't know," I sighed. "I can move out if you want. I'm sure my dad misses me."

"I don't want you to move out. I promised you I wouldn't abandon you," he said.

"You won't be breaking the promise if I leave. I won't be your burden anymore," I replied.

"Please stay," he begged. "I don't want this to become like every other problem I've ever faced. I don't want to run from it. I want to face it and work through it. We can let things cool off. I won't press the issue anymore… but please, Stiles. I know that if you walk out that door I'll never see you again and I just can't face that."

I stared at him as I considered my response. I took in every detail. Never before had I seen him so low and so desperate. He loved me. That much was clear. And I loved him. I got up from the table, setting my bowl in the sink before standing next to him. "I won't go just yet. I'll give it some time… but things have to operate differently between us in the meantime, so here…" I leaned down. "You allowed me to get one good look to sate my thirst. So I'll give you one good kiss." I pressed my lips to his, kissing him with all the intensity of finality. I allowed my taste to linger on his tongue so that he'd be able to remember it, since he wasn't going to get a reminder for some time… if he ever did.

When I finally pulled away from the kiss, he wiped tears from his eyes. "Thank you, Stiles."

* * *

**A/N**: I will eventually stop torturing them... I promise. Eventually. Let me know what you think. I'd be interested to hear any theories you might have as well!


	8. Map of the Problematique

This chapter is named for the song "Map of the Problematique" by Muse

This chapter contains some non-con interactions.

* * *

Nights began to hurt. I couldn't sleep on my own. I'd tried several times and I always found myself returning to Derek's bed. But sleeping next to Derek wasn't as peaceful as it once had been. Derek was having nightmares. He'd wake up, panting for breath, sweat pouring off his body as he screamed out for his mother and sisters. I wanted to ignore his cries for help, but I didn't have it in me, not after everything he did while I was going through withdrawals.

He always seemed to be alright after he reached over, feeling me beside him. Though I often asked, he wouldn't tell me what the nightmare was about. Sometimes I had to help him into the shower while he was still shaking from fright. Those times scared me the most.

Though I still harbored quite a bit of anger and resentment toward him, I _did_ still love him and I was very worried about him. I also had a sinking suspicion that the nightmares might somehow be related to the fact we were resisting the urge to mate. That only made it worse because if it were true, then it meant that I was responsible for his suffering.

While our nights were occupied by Derek's nightmares, our days passed without incident. Some days we would have lengthy conversations. Other days would find us spending hours together in choking silence.

Finally, I couldn't bear any more of it. I thought that maybe if we had a mission, Derek's mind might be more occupied and perhaps the nightmares might go away. "We need to figure out how the Rocket got in here… and we need to get that stuff off the streets," I said.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that Peter is behind it being in the loft. There was a faint trace of his scent on the book the night you relapsed," he replied.

"But why would Peter hide that drug in the loft for me to find?" I asked.

Derek shrugged. "I don't know. This is Peter we're talking about. It could be anything."

He raised a good point. "So how do you want to handle this?"

"I've tried contacting him. He seems to have dropped off the grid. He hasn't been to his apartment for a while, so I really have no idea where he might be," Derek said.

"Do you think I'm in danger?" I asked, already knowing the answer. Derek didn't respond. He didn't need to. The look he gave me spoke volumes. Not only was my life in jeopardy, but once again, so were the lives of everyone I loved.

"I won't let him hurt you ," he assured.

"You can't protect me all the time, Derek," I replied. "Besides… I'm an Alpha now, too." I let my eyes flash. The longer Derek and I went without mating, the redder they became and the stronger I felt. "Also… the full moon is tomorrow. We need to prepare for that."

"I thought you said you had it under control," Derek said, raising an eyebrow in an "I told you so" sort of smug way that made me want to claw out his throat.

In a measured tone, I replied, "Considering how angry I still am at you, I don't think it'll be safe for you to be around me until I can figure out what will anchor me to my humanity."

Instantly his smug attitude faded. "Are you really angry enough to kill me?" he asked.

I shrugged. "The moon amplifies everything right?" Derek nodded. "Then tomorrow night, I very well could be."

He looked hurt by that possibility, but I was being honest. There was no point in sugar-coating that.

* * *

I thought that all the times I helped Scott through the full moon would have prepared me for what was to come. I was wrong. As I felt the power of the moon shining in the large windows of the loft, I turned to Derek, my eyes flashing Alpha red. Derek stepped back, a look of worry crossing his face. He had been giving me tips all day, but suddenly, as the object of my wrath stood before m e, n othing else mattered. I shifted, feeling more powerful and more vengeful than I'd ever felt before in my life.

I wanted to rip Derek limb from limb. I wanted to put him through the pain that I felt from his betrayal. And I wanted him to suffer until he begged me for death, and then I wanted to make him suffer a little more. "Stiles, think about what we talked about today. Focus," he said, standing firmly. I eyed him like prey. His words meant nothing. "Don't do something you'll regret. You're in control, not your wolf," he said.

I laughed. The sinister noise echoed out of my throat, bouncing off the walls in all directions. I could hear Derek's heart beat faster. His eyes flashed red. "Hollow words," I snarled.

"I won't hurt you," he said. "But I will defend myself."

"You can try," I chuckled. "You did this. You made me an apex predator. Admire your handiwork , Derek."

"This isn't you," Derek said, standing his ground. "The Stiles I know is loving, kind, generous, and he wouldn't harm a fly."

"You're not a fly," I said, lunging at him. He side-stepped and I missed, tumbling awkwardly into the wall, becoming even angrier. "I'll fucking kill you, Derek."

I ran at him, claws slashing wildly. His hands grabbed my arms, stopping them in mid-air. He was stronger than I was and I screamed in frustration as he had me immobilized. I jumped up, kicking him squarely in the chest. I heard his heart falter a few beats as he stumbled backwards, releasing me. "Think about something that matters. Something you care about. You will regret this for the rest of your life. Please!"

"You think you're so important to me, don't you?" I asked. "You think that without you in my life, I'll spiral back out of control? That I stayed with you because I had hidden feelings for you? You're just a means to an end. You've stopped being useful to me and I want you dead now."

I could tell that what I said hurt him, but it also seemed to renew his resolve to try and rescue me. It pissed me off that he wasn't dying easily enough. I ran at him again, this time my claws made contact with his face leaving four large gashes in his cheek. His blood was now staining my fingers. The smell of it intoxicated me. I wanted more. He shifted entirely. "Fine. You want to fight? Let's fight." He released a fearsome roar as he lunged at me. He was too fast and too strong. He knocked me off balance, causing me to fall hard onto the ground. I groaned as I tried to get back up, but instantly he was on top of me, his sharp claws digging into my shoulders, his powerful legs immobilizing my own. His piercing red eyes bored through me. "You may not love me anymore… but you love others. And if you don't get control over yourself, you'll kill the one person who can actually help you protect them. Do you want your father to die?"

I stopped craning my neck in my attempts to close my fangs around his throat. Dad. Peter would kill him in a heartbeat if it meant drawing me into the open so he could steal my Alpha status. Derek was the only person capable of helping me protect him. I couldn't lose my dad. I couldn't lose both my parents and Derek was trying to save me from the pain he'd gone through. Instantly, I felt myself shifting back. I was ashamed of everything I'd done and said while not in control. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, trying my best not to cry. It was like I had said every single thing I knew would hurt the most. "I didn't mean any of it…"

He got off of me, offering me his hand to help me up. I couldn't even look him in the eye… not after what I'd said to him. As soon as I was on my feet, I bolted out the door. Derek called after me, "Stiles come back! I forgive you!" That only made it hurt worse.

I leapt down the stairs, taking entire flights at a time, desperate to escape into the warm summer air. As I burst out the front door of the building, I heard Peter's chuckle. "Trouble in paradise?"

"What do you want?" I snarled, taking a defensive stance.

"You," he said, grinning. He tossed something at me and before I could even figure out what it was, the world went black.

* * *

When I came to, I was strapped to a bed, unable to move. Strange sights and scents surrounded me. I struggled against the restraints. "Don't bother," Peter said. "The restraints are coated with a rare form of wolfsbane. I've been doing some experimenting. This one… it's my favorite. All that Alpha power and no way to use it."

"I will rip your throat out with my teeth!" I screamed.

He laughed. "You've been spending way too much time around my nephew!"

"What do you want from me?" I demanded.

Peter sat on the side of the bed, placing his hand on my stomach. "Do you know what happens when an Alpha Female goes unclaimed after the full moon? I'm sure Derek didn't." He leaned forward, his face inches from mine. "They become up for grabs. The first wolf who claims the territory gets to keep the prize."

I could feel my heart thundering in my chest as I tried again to fight against the restraint, not wanting any part of Peter on my body. "What do you mean?" I demanded. I knew exactly what he meant, but I needed to keep him talking… the longer he talked, the longer Derek had to find me and hopefully, before it was too late. Peter closed the distance between our faces, pressing his lips to mine. I turned my head. "The only Hale who gets to kiss me is Derek!"

"I'm not here to kiss you, Stiles… I'm here to fuck you. To fill you with my pups until I have a pack of my own… then I will kill you and return to the Alpha I was always meant to be!" he said. For a moment my heart stopped. "Congratulations, though, Stiles. You will be responsible for the Hale Pack's return to glory among werewolves."

"You put the Rocket in the loft, didn't you?"

"How long did it take you and the werewolf boy wonder to piece that together?" Peter asked. "I created Rocket. I'm the distributor and supplier. Just imagine my pleasant surprise when I found out that you were addicted to it? It was like Christmas and the lottery all rolled into one."

"Do you really expect me to believe you thought this far ahead?"

"Actually, yes," Peter replied, massaging my abdomen in a way that made me want to vomit. It was as if he could already see his future children growing inside it. "I knew that if I could get you to relapse enough… Derek would turn you so you wouldn't relapse again. I just didn't expect him to turn you after the second."

"What did you mean when you said you want to return the Hale Pack to glory?" I asked. I had to keep him talking and I had to have faith that after everything, Derek would still search for me.

"Remember when I told you about Derek and his little love affair as a kid?" He stared into my eyes in a manner that made me cringe. It was like he already saw me as his claim. And if Derek didn't come soon, I was sure I would be. I had to thank God for Peter's narcissism, though. No psychotic evil douchebag can resist the urge to monologue so that their victims know the full genius of the plan. I thought Peter might be smarter than that. Obviously I was wrong. "Because of what Talia could do, our family was elite. We were respected. We were royalty among our kind. When a Hale spoke, everyone listened. Derek couldn't handle a bunch of teenagers. Do you think he could handle that kind of power?"

Peter's hand slipped beneath my shirt. The sensation of his skin against mine made me shiver in disgust. "Peter… please don't do this," I begged.

His eyes lit up as he heard my plea. "If it helps… you can think of it as a sacrifice. Your sacrifice will bring order back to the werewolves. They will finally have a true leader to look up to."

_Sacrifice_. I hated that word so much. "You're not a druid! What power do you get from the knowledge that you raped and then murdered a teenage boy? Emphasis on boy! I can't have kids. I don't know what you're talking about…"

His lip curled. "Don't play stupid with me, Stiles. You and I both know that you're a lot smarter than that!" His angry snarl made me worried that I might have just shaved time off my clock. "Tell me you haven't felt a change inside you. Tell me that you haven't felt your body morphing to become the perfect receptacle for Derek. Tell me that his scent doesn't make your insides coil in a way it never did before." I'd been so focused on my anger at him, that I'd ignored those signs, but Peter was right. All of that was correct. "When he bit you, he didn't just turn you into a werewolf. He literally changed your body to fit his need to procreate. You've just been so busy fighting with him that you never got to learn. So I'll teach you." He climbed on top of me, straddling my body. I was grateful that we were still clothed. "I'll instruct you and your body on how to submit to the most fitting Alpha."

I glared up at him. "You're not a fucking Alpha!" I snarled.

"I AM THE ALPHA!" he roared. "IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT AS A HALE!" His fist made brutal contact with my cheek, causing me to momentarily see stars. In his fury, he began to unbutton my jeans. I knew I couldn't keep him talking now. He was about to take me… claim me. Any fabric that wouldn't comply was shredded, his claws grazing my skin, causing me to cry out in pain. With the wolfsbane restraints on, my healing wasn't taking care of the injuries. He removed his own clothes with the same vigor, positioning himself between my legs.

I began to cry, knowing what fate was about to befall me. "Please don't do this, Peter," I begged. "Please…" I could feel him getting ready to invade me. The reality of being forever tied to him making the idea of living any longer simply unbearable.

A loud crash caused me to jump slightly as the door flew off its hinges. Derek stood, his eyes glowing bright red. He ran, tackling Peter off of me. My heart was racing and I prayed that this wasn't just my mind's way of dealing with Peter raping me. Derek stood up, his foot pressed firmly down on Peter's throat. A low, menacing snarl escaped Derek's. "Don't. Touch. My. Boyfriend."

"Would you really kill your own uncle to add to your power?" Peter wheezed. "Was what you did to Boyd not enough?"

Derek froze. That was a low blow, even for Peter. "You didn't kill Boyd, Derek!" I reminded him. "Kali and the twins did."

There were tears in Derek's eyes as he looked at me. The pain of losing Boyd was still so fresh in his mind. He wiped them away before turning his attention back to Peter. "You're not my beta," Derek said, stepping firmly down, breaking Peter's neck.

He quickly worked at unfastening the restraints. As soon as I was free, I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same to me. I breathed in his scent. "Are you alright?" he asked after several minutes passed with us just holding one another.

"Once again you saved me," I said, feeling the calming, steady rise and fall of his chest against me. "How did you find me?"

"You have a particularly traceable scent," he chuckled.

I laughed, squeezing him harder. "Old Spice, semen, and B.O.?"

"No," he replied, pulling away from me. "Sandalwood, allspice, and charcoal. You've smelled like that since you turned."

I leaned up, letting my lips graze his before pressing them harder against him. He swirled his tongue around mine, sucking it into his mouth, leaving his taste in mine. When the kiss finally ended, I felt a little light-headed. I blinked several times as our lips parted. His eyes gazed dreamily into mine, which I could feel flashing brightly.

"Your eyes are orange again," he noted.

"Because I'm yours," I told him. "I'll always be yours."

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks for reading! The next chapter will be out soon. Tell me what you thought! I would also be remiss not to send out a HUGE thank you to my amazing beta reader who is so patient with me while I'm writing. He deserves a medal of some sort.


	9. Fade Into You

This chapter is named for the song "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star

* * *

Derek held me in his arms. The satiny sheets covered the lower half of our bodies. We still hadn't 'mated' but we found that caressing and cuddling helped stave off the desire to procreate. His hands ran across my skin. "There's something I need to say," I said, pulling his hands off my body and holding them tightly.

He smiled at me. "You don't have to apologize," he whispered.

"Yes," I insisted. "I do. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. You deserved _at least_ that. I'm sorry I was such an asshole to you."

He leaned forward, giving me one of those grandmotherly forehead kisses I hated so much. "And I should have asked your permission before turning you," he said, moving his arms back around me. I felt safe and comfortable in their embrace. We hadn't talked about Peter, but I knew that we would eventually.

* * *

The next day, we returned to the place where he found me and retrieved Peter's body, bringing it to the Hale Mansion where we buried it on the property. I had no idea how to predict how he might react to burying Peter. Derek had never been an easy person to read. It was difficult to tell whether or not he wanted space, or if he wanted me nearby. I watched as he planted several sprigs of wolfsbane on top of Peter's grave.

"What's that for?" I asked.

"I'm hoping that this will prevent him from resurrecting himself again," Derek replied.

I stared at the spot. "I'm sorry it ended this way," I said softly.

Derek shook his head as he stood up, moving to my side. "Don't be. He sabotaged your recovery and nearly raped you. He deserved much worse than he got."

I gently rubbed his back. "It's okay to be sad, you know. He _was_ your uncle, after all."

"Yeah, but can you really be sad at the burial of a person you killed?" he asked.

"Yes, Derek," I replied softly. "You can."

Derek turned around and walked back to the Camaro. I followed closely behind him. "Let's go home," he said.

The ride back to the loft was silent. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what he was thinking. He stared at the road ahead of us, his fingers interlocked with mine. When we finally got to the loft, it was a welcome sight; especially after spending the entire day looking at the ruined skeleton of the Hale house. As he poured himself a drink, Derek said, "I'm going to reinstall the security system. You're in danger until the mate claim is made."

I still wasn't sure that I even _could_ have kids with Derek, but I knew that the mate claim had to do with sex. And though we didn't really sleep the night before, there was no way to know whether or not the nightmares were gone. "Or you could save yourself the time and money and just claim me yourself."

He shook his head. "No. I took away your choice once before. I won't do it again."

I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his abdomen and stared into his eyes. "I'm choosing it, this time. I want you to be the one who claims me."

"You don't understand what happens during the claim," he said. "I've done a little more research on it. If I claim you, our souls will be linked. For some werewolves, the link is so profound that the two individuals become extensions of one another. It happens when they share an incredibly strong link before the claim, that afterwards, nothing is ever the same. If I claim you… to injure one will injure the other. If one of us dies, the other will die too from a broken heart."

"Who's to say that wouldn't happen anyway?" I asked. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."

"Our bond is so strong, Stiles… you're an Alpha _because_ I'm an Alpha. I can already sense when you're in danger. That's how I found you both times… And if I die after this claim is made, you don't get the opportunity to grieve and move on to find someone new."

"That's not a problem for me," I said. "I wouldn't move on after losing you. You saw what I became after you left. Do you think I'd fare any better now that I've grown to love you as much as I do?" I pulled his head down, forcing his lips to mine. "I want to marry you, Derek. I would take that vow seriously."

"What vow?"

"The one that says 'til death do us part.'"

He chuckled. "You've really thought that marriage part through, haven't you?"

I nodded back, not smiling. "Yes, I have. You can claim me because I want you to claim me. I want to be yours."

His eyes narrowed as he studied me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. For the millionth time, Derek. Yes."

Slowly, gingerly, he pulled off my shirt. His tongue entered my mouth and his hands were once again roaming my body. He paused to remove his own shirt before moving us to the bed. He crawled on top of me, dipping his hand down into my boxers, stroking me inside my pants. It had been so long since I had even so much as masturbated and I knew I was a little quick on the draw. I had to take Derek's hand out of my pants. "Not yet," I breathed. Derek pouted a little before wiggling his jeans off his body, grinding himself against me. He was leaking in anticipation for what was soon to come. As he worked to remove my jeans, we noticed a slippery substance dripping out of me. Apparently he wasn't the only one leaking in anticipation. "What is that?" I asked.

Derek touched it, feeling it between his fingers. "It's slippery… like lube. I think it's part of the changes Deaton spoke about."

As soon as my body was free from my clothes, something came over me. I had no interest in any kind of foreplay. I pushed Derek off slightly before moving onto all fours and pressing my rear against him. "Take me," I begged.

"No," he said. "Not like that."

"Why not?" I whimpered. I could feel my wolf stirring angrily at his refusal.

"Because it's degrading," he replied. "I want to look into your eyes as we make love, not stare at the back of your head."

"Please… fuck me," I pleaded. "I want it… My wolf wants it."

"Alright, but we're not doing it like this the entire time," he said, giving in. I felt him pressing toward me. My body resisted at first, but he continued to push until I slowly expanded around him. I shivered, bowing forward, submitting myself to him as he pushed further into me. He moaned slightly, quickly shoving the rest of himself inside me. I grunted in pain. "I'm sorry…"

I took several moments to adjust to the feel of him within me. It had been so long since that night when I lost my virginity to him. Slowly, he began to thrust, his hands finding their home on my hips, using my body to leverage himself.

"You feel tighter than you did the first time," he gasped as he continued thrusting.

"Just keep going," I urged him. He picked up his pace, eliciting a stream of moans and grunts from me. I begged him to go faster… to thrust harder… desperately needing him to sate my wolf's thirst for him.

With inhuman speed, he slammed his body into mine. I could smell the perspiration rolling across his skin. "Stiles… I'm gonna…" he grunted before pulling me up as he thrust one last time, emptying an impossible amount into me, I cried out as his teeth punctured my neck. Yet before I could stop myself, the moment his teeth released me, I turned around, straining every muscle in my body as I pulled his neck down to my mouth, letting my own fangs sink into him. As the taste of his blood filled my mouth, he made a sound like a puppy whose tail accidentally got stepped on. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my lungs and for several seconds, I couldn't breathe. I could feel something pulling me from the inside. It was simultaneously the most painful and blissful feeling I'd ever experienced. My heartbeat synced with Derek's. I could feel the pull of his desires on my mind. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to fulfill them. I knew in that moment that I belonged to him and the entire world would know it now.

We collapsed forward. He grunted as he continued to pour his seed into me. I trembled beneath him. "What's happening?" I asked.

"It's the mate claim," he whispered into my ear. Suddenly he pushed forward. Pain exploded, clouding my mind.

"What was that?"

"I think it's my knot," he grunted as it entered me, stretching me beyond anything I'd experienced.

"What the fuck is that?" I asked.

"In the animal world, when the Alpha Male fucks the Alpha Female, he knots her. It forces the sperm to stay inside her for longer and makes it more likely that she'll get pregnant," he explained. "I won't be able to move until it goes away on its own."

I chuckled. "So you're trying to knock me up?"

"Not intentionally… I can't control it," he replied.

"It's a good thing I'm a guy, then… Men don't get pregnant," I said. I could still feel him flooding me. It was a strange sensation, but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it. Peter said that my body was morphing into the perfect receptacle for Derek. And if that meant I had to spend extra time with him buried deep within me, that was a price I was more than willing to pay.

"But what if you do?" Derek asked. "Stranger things have happened."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But I'm pretty sure I got an A on the biology quiz about reproduction so… I think we're safe," I countered.

"Human reproduction," he corrected. "Not werewolf."

He had a point. I didn't reply; I just lay there. It took a while for the knot to fade, and when it did, we were both ready for round two.

This time, he stared into my eyes as he slowly and gently moved inside me. Having sated our wolves' urge to mate, and laid the claim, I was now safely his. This time was purely for our benefit. We made love in every position physically possible before he finally forced his knot back into me. It hurt just as much, if not more, than the first time I felt it. By the time we collapsed back onto the bed, the sun was beginning to peek through the window. It only seemed like we'd been having sex for maybe 30 minutes but in reality, we had gone the entire night. My body felt a little sore from use, and though I was secreting something to help compensate against it, I could feel the pain of friction burns as he moved. I wasn't sure how my body would handle it since the injury was inflicted by another Alpha.

With aching tenderness, he bit my lip, teasing me into what seemed like the millionth kiss shared between us that night. I could feel exhaustion creeping up on me and I could sense that he, too, was tired. I fell asleep with his knot still inside me and his tongue in my mouth.

* * *

**A/N**: YAY! Mate claims... but hmmm... is Stiles right? Or was Peter? I'm curious to know what you think.


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